Last day. Click the pic to snag a spot with the Resolutions Not Required package.

__________________________________________________________________________

As I was walking home from taking the small fry to school, I was in deep thought about our tendency to notice the stuff we don’t like about ourselves.

We tend to use a big wide brush across the things we wish were different. I always…he never…why can’t I….?

Admittedly, it is a challenge for me as well, to notice in the moment when I’m actually being exactly as I’d like to be.

This, despite the fact that it’s almost always.

It’s easier to slip back in to noticing the ‘wrong’ things. What I came up with during this walk is while our brains are wired to notice these things, it’s also just much easier. Less things to count.

Think about one 24 hour period in your life. If I asked you to keep jotting down every minute when you were basically doing the very thing you wish you’d do more, you’d be showing me pages for each day.

Even if we eased up a bit and decided that jotting a few notes each hour about when and how you were doing just what you lament and wish you would do, you’d have quite a body of evidence.

Maybe notes would be just to cumbersome, given the number of instances of you being  just who you’d like to be.

Tick marks.

All day.

Try it today. Pick one of those irksome things you wish you could get a handle on and notice when you’re behaving just as you wished.

Don’t want to smoke anymore? How many minutes in the day are you already not smoking?

Wish you weren’t so hard on yourself? Are you nagging yourself right now, while reading this? Were you two minutes ago?

Crap, you weren’t ‘til I reminded you? Stop it.

_________________________________________

An underlying principle of what I do here is based on noticing. Getting really good at coming back from the fog of distraction and avoidance to who you really are. To some it seems scary, but that’s usually because with any unknown we tend to build up stories that make it look that way, in order to stay safe.

Today’s the last day to sign up for the Resolutions Not Requred package. Three months of getting comfortable being heard, hearing yourself, and building a practice of noticing all the good in your life is an awesome way to start out the new year.

Come on over and request a few minutes of time so we can visit and see if this would be a good time for you and a good fit for the two of us. I know it can be kind of uncomfortable, asking for a one of these complimentary visits.

“Is she going to pressure me?”

“What if I find it really isn’t right for me?”

It’s all good.  There is no pressure and it is always up to you to make that sovereign decision. The worst that will happen is you’ve visited with someone new for a while, maybe laughed a few times, or snagged a new insight that you didn’t expect.

I look forward to hearing from you.

In the interest of putting out into the world what we want to receive, how about noticing those little thoughts that run through your head about other people?

Or sometimes, they’re big glaring neon signs, judging others for how they think, act or look.

Snap judgments help us stay safe, right? It helps us size up a situation and act accordingly.

When there’s danger.

It becomes an easy habit though, placing people in black and white boxes. We don’t have to think about the whole person. Sometimes it’s a little hit of pleasure. The judgment allows you to feel a bit better about yourself for a second.

I’m not judging you for having those thoughts. I have them, too.

I no longer judge myself for having them. They are part of being human.

But they don’t need to run rampant.

Otherwise, I’d be walking around also judging myself for being so goddamned judgmental.

You see how the circle goes.

So, notice them and they quiet a little bit. And then, as usual when you’re all about the noticing, the behavior shifts.

In this instance, it changes the whole habit of judging. You start eyeballing yourself less, too. When this unconscious habit gets questioned, you can also examine the snap judgments you make about you.

It gets easier to be a little nicer.

To you.

To them.

If you’re interested in starting the new year figuring out how to judge yourself a bit less harshly, check this out.

Be well.

A quick post for this highly observed and sometimes pressurized day of the year.

I wish you each well and hope this day has found you surrounded by whatever it is that makes you smile.

I have find myself surrounded by

• brown grass and sunshine
• my children and husband
• very little hustle and bustle
• a ham which appears to be resisting the idea of being cooked.

I was able to take a relaxing walk with my guy without wearing head gear, glove, or snow boots.

In our neck of the woods, at this time of year, this is far enough out of the ordinary to be slightly disturbing, but we have met it with gratitude and wonder.

May you be filled with gratitude and wonder, ease and grace.

Not only today, but all days.

Much love and peace.

An unnoticed hair around a tiny, squishy baby’s toe.

A green rubber band around a lamb’s tail.

Sometimes it feels like there are big rubber bands around portions of my soul.

Then there are days like the last couple, where it feels like one of those bands has snapped off and there is such a feeling of freedom and release. Circulation comes back to that part.

It can happen for you, too.

Maybe the piece of you that is adept at being kind and curious with yourself and others is pinched a bit, lending harshness and judgment to your perspective.

Or a little section of your ability to take care of yourself is turning necrotic.

When you get curious about the pinched bits; just start asking the questions, those rubber bands start to lose their tension.  With enough awareness, light shining on them, they begin to become brittle.

And one day they gently snap off, and there you are, feeling easy and light in a place that you used to be shut down and slow.

What could you do today to start shedding light, just a little bit?

And I suggested that when you do that, you feel better.

What I want to talk to you about today is how you can feel better.

But change the emphasis in that sentence for me, will you?  Since I’m not rocking vlogs yet, I’ll trust you can do it with me in your head.

How can I FEEL better?

How can I feel my life while I’m living it?

We all get caught up in the busy-ness.  In every moment, we can notice when there’s something lurking behind, urging us to act one way or another.

A feeling.

Not the should’s and shouldn’ts, the mind twisting around trying to weigh all options, sort out conflicts or whatever it might be.

What’s the feeling behind it?

When your kid’s failing chemistry, and you’ve extrapolated that out to them being doomed to a lifetime of working in a job you deem unworthy, what’s the feeling behind it? Stop for a moment; before, during or after your lecture (which your kid’s trying to ignore anyway), and notice it.

I’m betting in any scenario like that it’s fear.

Was for me anyway.

Actually what’s going on in most situations, if you’re truly noticing what’s going on inside you, boil down to fear or love.

Today, I’m not even asking you to do anything differently with what you notice.  Just feel it. For real.  It’s life changing to quit being afraid to feel for real.

Although, I suspect just in the feeling-noticing, you might be pleasantly surprised to find a change in behavior-noticing.

What if that were the case for each of us?

Does our capacity to do this depend on what we do for money?

• Ring up groceries
• Fix cars
• Create great beats.
• Heal souls.
• Teach children.

It does not.

In any moment, in any activity, we can have the intention to make people feel good. This might sound a little mushy, but it’s rather simple in practice. It may be refraining from an eye roll, a smile rather than indifference, or a hug instead of hesitation.

The magic is, making this choice, you feel better too.

See what you can do.

Today I needed to be near water.

And rocks.

In the sunshine.

I went to sit at the outlet of the dam on one of our local waterways.  As I sat there, an image came to me of how emotion often behaves in ways similar to the water I was watching.

The water was smashing and crashing, roiling and boiling out of that flood gate. Sometimes it blasted out so forcefully that it splashed way up in the air, sparkling in the sun before plunging back into its white frothy body. As it moved downstream its movement eventually became more  peaceful.

This is a man made situation, created by blocking up what had once flowed naturally.

Emotions once flowed naturally through all of us.

Many of us have learned to dam them.  Often, by the time they are released they come exploding out, all frothy and violent and swift, like the flood waters held in a reservoir.

It is possible to regain the natural flow of emotion that once took no effort. At first glance, it might seem it would be as overwhelming as removing a dam from a natural waterway; excavating and restoring the surrounding land, planning for what will happen to those who are downstream of the deluge.

However, what it actually looks like in practice is much more subtle and gentle.  The scary story surrounding what might happen if you experience emotions in real time is often much worse than actually just allowing the feelings.

When allowed to flow freely, emotions carry much less potential for damage. It is possible to watch even powerful surges of anger or fear spike and recede back into the collective energy field, leaving no hurt in their path.

When we are comfortable being still and allowing emotion, there is far less potential for hurting others or ourselves when it comes leaking out. It tends to flow on through, making us aware of the message we needed from it, without getting backed up and brackish from trying to ignore or hold it back.

Stillness.

Allowing.

It is really that simple once you get the hang of it.

You are strong enough to get the hang of it, no matter what you think you’ve got stopped up in there.

Think about how much mental strength and energy it takes to maintain the dam on your emotions.  You’ve got to be constantly vigilant, checking all the mental gates and mechanisms that keep old but powerful feelings in check.

(In case you hadn’t heard, feelings tend to be perceived as much more powerful when stored.)

At the same time, you probably have to deal with frequent damage control when there is a breach and someone (often that someone is you) gets hurt by an outburst.  While you stay on top of all that, you’ve also got to be watching whatever emotion might be coming from upstream, as well as quickly checking your systems if a big downfall of emotion threatens from unexpected events.

What might you be able to do if you let go of all that?

How could you use the energy injected back into your life?

This post brought to you complements of Stephey Baker’s prompt.

Today my heart wants to say that it wishes it knew a way to tell you how to know what’s good for you.  What it feels like.  However, only you can truly know what good feels like in your experience.  All I can give you are clues and tools. Tips that have worked for other self-sleuths.

My starter kit for inner world detectives always includes noticing and listening.

Listening to what we think about our experiences and ourselves is so powerful. Many have forgotten this simple skill.  What tags do you put on people? What judgments do you place on experiences?  What assumptions do you make about yourself?

Start to notice where you feel things in your body.   Think of one thing you experienced this week that felt really good.  What was that like? What were the emotions?  What were the body sensations?

Think of something you did this week that you didn’t really want to do.
How did that feel?  Was there tightness in your throat when you agreed to do it?  Was there a heaviness on your chest every time you thought to begin it.  Did your stomach or shoulders clench up?

Right before you agreed to do it, what was going on inside you?
What would have happened had you not agreed to it?
What would that have felt like in your mind and body?

Listening
Noticing.

These are the beginning.  There’s nothing more you have to do.  Start with these and see what happens.

You might be surprised to learn that while there are things you do that you’d rather not, there are many things in your daily life that are already awesome, or have the potential to be nourishing and uplifting.

Be curious about your experience.

There came the day when the sweet little bird had strengthened her wings and was ready to leave the nest. There were many preparations to be made and finally the big move day came. Mom and Dad bird helped her haul the twigs she had collected to her new home. They hugged and kissed her and reminded her they were still available for support should she need it. The parents were so proud of the bird she’d become and excited to watch as this new chapter unfolded for her.

Oddly enough, other neighborhood birds were full of worried curiosity. They fidgeted and fluffed their feathers, asking if the parents were sad; how they would cope with this little bird leaving the nest.

“How’s it going with little bird getting ready to leave? Oh, maybe I shouldn’t bring that up? Is it hard?”

With a cocked head and a perplexed look, the birds replied that things were going well and it was an exciting time. They didn’t understand, since what they were experiencing was the normal transition that all parents and little birds go through.

Perhaps there was something wrong with them? They didn’t care enough for their little bird, were heartless. If they cared more maybe would they be flapping their wings and gnashing their beaks, missing her since she’d gone.

However, already quite aware that their experiences didn’t often echo those expected by the community, the parents quickly realized there was nothing wrong. It was their experience, and it was going just as it should for them.

You see, our little bird flew the coop for college a few weeks ago. I found it interesting and almost unsettling, the assumption that I would be fretting and sad because my first born would be leaving. I was pretty sure that was not how it was going for me, but almost started to worry there was something wrong. I started to hesitate in my answer that all was going well.

Funny, how quickly even the self-aware can be sucked into societal expectations.

Luckily, I was quick to remember that my experience is just that. Mine.

While we do miss our sweet daughter, it has not been painful. However, we don’t miss the multitudes of little brightly colored socks decorating our floors. It has been an interesting new adventure with lots of learning for all involved.

How often are you responding to the environment around you, posturing in the expected ways to keep from appearing out of the norm, even if those norms don’t reflect much of your inner experience?

You have permission always to experience your life uniquely, and own all of it, even it if it is unexpected.

Today’s prompt, courtesy of Buster Benson:

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

___________________________________________

I believe in the power of forgiveness.

It’s not always an easy switch to flip.  It usually seeps slowly into your every day; then you are changed.

I was changed.

My friends and family can’t fathom the depth of forgiveness I carry for the person who once I might have described as having hurt me the most.

I no longer use that description.

Were furrows plowed through my soul?

You bet.

But that’s where my most bountiful growth happened.

Even though they see who I’ve become and know who I was, they still hold a…

Hurt?

Hardness?

…a place where they hate the person and the thought of what happened.

Although they know I’m more than OK, it somehow causes a friction,

To believe that AND that this thing happened, like there’s something being gotten away with.

If there is forgiveness.

It’s ok.  I used to think that, too.  I’m better now.

Forgiveness has gotten me to the place where I don’t feel the pain and horror.

I’ll go you one further.

It’s gotten me to a place of gratitude.

Most people can’t swallow that.

I know that forgiveness is the only way through certain messes.

Forgiveness of our transgressors.

Forgiveness of self.