Surrender

Sorry there has not been a post in quite some time over here.  At the beginning of the month I succumbed to a combination of two very nasty viruses that landed me in bed.

This all started on my 42nd birthday.  I think the Universe was sending me a big beacon that enough was enough.  I tried to commandeer the virus, which I can successfully do with a garden variety cold.  I tried disbelieving that I could really be that sick, proceeding as much as possible with normal daily activities, which had me crawling back to bed every time.

Finally my MD said, “Yeah, you’re really that sick.”

(viral meningitis and pneumonia, for the innately curious)

Something finally clicked inside and I just let go.

Surrendered.

I spent a lot of time just lying very still.  At some point I felt like I had this odd perception of actually being able to feel how very hard my body was working at trying to deal with the virus, the coughing, the fever.  It was doing what it knew how to do, with no frantic interference from me.

Thank you, body.

Sometime throughout all the lying around I realized this was a really good metaphor for my hesitancy to surrender many things in life.  I am always trying.

I realized that some things you just don’t get better at by trying.  Accepting yourself is not something you learn in a book.  Learning to live from a place of love rather than fear is something you have to rest into, not wrestle into place.

A lot of things I usually perceive myself as struggling with, all of a sudden seem simple in the light of surrender.

Ah…..

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Lest you think I’ve got it all figured out.

As with all life lessons, not all these pieces are perfectly in place everyday for me either. It’s like putting together a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that a toddler visits often.  It takes time and frequent re-doing; perhaps some fervent hunting for lost pieces.   However, the picture continually becomes more clear by regularly returning to the puzzle.